posted by Stuart Neville at 8:15 PM
I left you a note at crapometer, but if you're willing, I'd like another editor at my zine to read this. Don't change a thing for firstname.lastname@example.org: Betsy in the RE. Thanks.
Nicely written, nicely arced. I would submit this to a number of places and I think you'll definitely get it published.Might I make a couple of suggestions?The "at least" in the beginning paragraphs caught me because it's really narrator intrusive, which is okay, but the number of them made me too aware of the narrator.There might be a bigger break needed between a point where he's almost caught by the lady's husband (leaps out the window) and that evening. Even white space might be enough."Now is the moment, this is the price" is mentioned repetitiously midpoint. Can you shorten it? The reader does know what's going on by now, so it's not always necessary. For example, when the devil (?) says, ""Now get that guitar and play. I want to hear what you bought with your one moment." I might suggest "Now (etc., I want to hear what you bought."Super, super story and great writing. Good luck with this.
Hi Susan, thanks for taking the time to comment. The time shift between jumping out the window and that evening's show was also commented on over at crapometer.blogspot.com, so I agree it's something I'll have to look at.Thanks for the positive comments. Constructive criticism is always welcome. :)
Post a Comment
I'm the author of thrillers THE TWELVE (a.k.a THE GHOSTS OF BELFAST), COLLUSION, STOLEN SOULS and RATLINES. My debut novel won the Los Angeles Times Book Prize. Visit my website at www.StuartNeville.com.
View my complete profile